Brain Scram

I wonder if I still love him? I feel very stupid saying yes, and guiltily avert my eyes from the general nothingness when I say no. It isn't possible after all that happened, after the overwhelming (to say the least) knowledge that assaulted my senses and brain for months together, trickling in with the definitive sadism of a soul-less God -- perhaps it would suffice to say just 'God' -- that much revered biblical god (or perhaps for that matter any god) , not only monstrous in his atrocious assertion of needless authority but monstrously insecure in his need to assert it, his need to point out the direction to Knowledge with a bright big yellow on red signpost, illuminating the path to Knowledge with his ungodly light and then serving the masterstroke -- the lay-off, the forbidding, the threat of pain and of inevitible death. Give me the capacity of Reason, couple it with the need and desire to excercise the capacity and also hand to me the perfect situation to do so -- and then tell me I should not, that I can but I shall not?? Sure, right!!

Knowing hurts, but one requires to be hurt in order to know the limits of the extremes to which one can push onself, or better yet( or worse? ) to know that there aren't any. Knowledge cuts and slices through you, but it adds to you twice that which it seems to take away. So really, what forgiveness? And what does forgiveness imply really..and whose forgiveness does one fucking seek anyway?
I cant keep my mind on one thing. What I desperately need is some form of discipline.

I started out wondering if I still love him, I end now wondering if I ever did...and if I'll ever stop.